Happy New Year? In the first place, I’m now writing 2012 on my overdrawn checks to our Inlet tax collector. Happy Gregorian New Year, Linda Nelson. In the second place, Jan. 23 marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. Lose your Dragon-self. In the third place, the dragon is enigmatically considered the most encouraging of the Chinese zodiac animals. In the fourth place, we should prepare for scores of lion dances, karaoke competitions, dragon parades and Chinese operas at View. In the fifth place, it’s impossible not to say THE View or at the very least, NICE View. In the sixth place, I prefer the Latin for View, i.e., Videre.  In the seventh place, I actually don’t care about any of this.

“In the first place?”  In the first place, I’d like to know who first began using the phrase in the first place. In the second place, I’d like to know a lot of trivia so I could win booku bucks on Jeopardy, starring Alex Trebek. In the third place, I’d love to see a slo-mo replay of 71-year-old Trebek chasing down 56-year-old Lucinda Moyers in the San Francisco Marriot Marquis last July. In the fourth place, Trebek ruptured his Achilles tendon blindsiding Lucinda and retrieving his mother’s pilfered bracelet. In the fifth place, what was Trebek doing with his mother’s bracelet? In the sixth place, Achilles would be proud of Trebek. In the seventh place, Trebek is old enough to be the original hero of the Trojan War and greatest warrior of Homer’s Iliad. In the eighth place, I’ll take Origin of Language for $1K, i.e., “Who first used the phrase in the first place?” In the ninth place, who was a bottlenosed dolphin? In the tenth place, in your face, Ken Jennings.

No Christmas bonus? In the first place, I enjoy recounting how benevolent Express Publisher Emeritus, Jim Gies, gave his employees Christmas bonuses. In the second place, I found more joy in writing about how much contemporary Express Pharaoh Kevin McClary’s frugal persona reminded me of Jack Benny. In the third place, Kevin treats my wife and me to lunch once a year at nice places like Slicker’s and Tony Harper’s. In the fourth place, I no longer have a solid case for Kevin being a squirrel. In the fifth place, by treating us to lunch, Kevin has diabolically debunked my go-to no Christmas bonus gag. In the fifth place, I must now unearth another authority figure to disparage under the guise of humor.

New Year’s resolutions? In the first place, I’m not compelled to concoct New Year’s resolutions. In the second place, I’d intuitively disregard New Year’s resolutions after fabricating them. In the third place, there’s a high probability that people who make and break New Year’s resolutions annually are habitual losers.  In the fourth place, I’ve never known anyone who’s faithfully kept a New Year’s resolution and/or I refused to acknowledge them. In the fifth place, people who make New Year’s commitments should be committed. In the sixth place, I resolve to “eat when I’m hungry, drink when I’m dry, if Guinness doesn’t kill me, I’ll live till I die.” In the seventh place, I cooked up one New Year’s resolution I can stomach.

What I’m looking forward to in the New Year? In the first place, getting up each morning and having no body parts fall off. In the second place, not having my federal taxes raised because some glad-handing Congressman from Podunk, Kansas earmarked $400K for developing pre-chewed field corn in the $1trillion spending agreement for 2012 for federal agencies. In the third place, reading the morning newspaper in the bathroom without Jerry Sandusky’s or Bernie Fine’s faces ogling me. In the fourth place, seeing a picture of Mitt Romney not assaulting someone with his face pointing finger. In the fifth place, holding onto the 377,805 metric tons of chicken feet we practically give away to China annually and selling those delicacies to real Americans at McDonald’s with a variety of Oriental dipping sauces. In the sixth place, decapitated chickens running around with their feet cut off.

Regrets about 2011? In the first place, it was Lisa Birnbach who said, “You can’t regret what you can’t remember.” In the second place, I’m the proud owner of a selective memory. In the third place, I missed the Tap Room’s annual customer thank you slash wild game extravaganza last May due to exigent circumstances. In the fourth place, exigent circumstances become the norm as we and those around us age and begin to decompose. In the fourth place, Arch West, the inventor of yummy Doritos, croaked at the ripe age 97. Who says junk food isn’t healthy? In the fifth place, “Dr. Death,” Jack Kevorkian died a painless death due to exigent circumstances at age 83. Now who do I call when my drooling becomes uncontrollable and I can no longer wade a trout stream? In the sixth place, renowned saxophonist, Clarence “Big Man” Clemons, joined glockenspielist Danny Federici in that rock’n E Street Band in the sky. Clarence was a lovable guy. He survived five marriages, before stroking out on a high C over G. “Be Chrool to Your Scuel,” Big Man.  

What will make 2012 an awesome year? In the first place, catching in a new state record brook trout between a pancake breakfast at Walt’s Diner and a Legendary Larry Burger at the Tavern, and then returning to camp in time for my afternoon nappy-poo. In the second place, forestalling rigor mortis. In the third place, outliving the Mayan Calendar which ends rudely on December 21. In the fourth place, swimming laps in a vat of Wolaver’s Oatmeal Stout at the Otter Creek brewery in Middlebury, Vt. In the fifth place, 5.5 percent unemployment rate, 2.5 percent cost of living increase and a case of 41 percent BrewDog Sink the Bismarck beer. In the sixth place, Kevin McClary buying dinner instead of lunch.  In the seventh place, the Adirondack Express Nation enjoying a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year.