I’ve decided not to seek the Presidency in 2012 as the Craft Beer Liberation Partay candidate. Unlike the Mountainman’s heroic 2010 run against preordained NYS sovereign, Andy “Dandy” Cuomo, it’s not because I don’t think I couldn’t do a worse job than the incumbent. I promise you with all certainty that I can do much worse. I believe many U.S. citizens expect their President to take the job seriously and I know if I was elected, that wouldn’t happen. I don’t like long workdays, criticism, politicians or conspiracy theorists claiming I’m an illegal alien because I was born in Syracuse. I’m raising my aspirations for 2012.

I’ll be submitting an application for Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to Belize, a vital post now occupied by some impostor named, Vinai “Thumbs” Thummalapally. Wikileaks doesn’t seem to have much dirt on this guy, yet. But, underhanded sources tell me, Thumbs is a Cal State engineering graduate and former roommate of President “Barry” Obama at Occidental College in 1980. Yup, Barack was Barry back in the day. Somehow, this political hanky-panky doesn’t seem kosher. In 2005, Little George Bush handed this same strategic outpost to his former Yale roomy, Rob Dieter. I think it’s time I break the vicious ex-roommate payola cycle and become the first popularly appointed Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to Belize. Express subscribers, I need your write-in veiled threats. After I’m installed, y’all can come down for an all expenses paid vacation.

I figured it might be prudent if I knew what an AE&P was before I threw my sombrero in the ring. Ambassador Extraordinary is pretty straight forward. This person is the highest ranking diplomatic representative from one country to another as formally recognized at the Congress of Vienna in 1815. I doubt that many of our current appointees attended the Congress of Vienna in 1815, so I’m wagering that the selectees are the beneficiaries of a self-sustaining political rewards scheme. The obvious benefit of being the AE&P to Belize, other than English is the official language and the Massachusetts size country is bordered by bonefish filled salt flats, is that I won’t have to obey traffic laws. I’ve learned this from many years driving in the greater Washington, D.C. area, which is rampant with vehicularly challenged foreign diplodips, who repeatedly crash into law abiding citizens with impunity.     

Now, what the hey’s a Plenipotentiary? Well, it’s a person who has full powers and is a diplomat. So, it’s redundant. It turns out, that redundancy is the primary job of the AE&P. My principal duties in Belize include stuffing myself at nightly state dinners, saying nice things about Belizeans, and giving away U.S. taxpayer dollars with gusto. You see, although Belize is a tropical paradise, its so called economy is in the toilet. So, like any good AE&P, I’ll singlehandedly sustain the Belizean financial system on behalf of munificent US taxpayers. Keep in mind that it’s in our nation’s best interest because Belize, formerly British Honduras, is strategically located as the northernmost Central American nation, making it a great spot from which to attack Mexico. As our immigrant population swells, we’ll probably wanna annex Mexico and Canada in the foreseeable future. I’m just saying.

Belize also has five major banks, ideal for neat freaks who feel compelled to launder their soiled greenbacks. But the best thing is, being a tropical paradise, it seldom snows in Belize. In fact the last time it snowed in Belize was 110,000 years ago, during the Pleistocene Epoch. Sure, the snow lasted 100,000 years, but it’s all melted now. You can confidently leave your YakTrax behind in the States.

One thing I’d like to accomplish as AE&P is to improve the caliber of Belizean soccer. Frankly, their national team sucks. They’ve never made a World Cup or CONCACAF Gold Cup appearance. Belize’s top international scorer, Dion Frazer, usually confused with Dion and the Belmonts, scored five goals in eight years. Two of those were “own goals” and one was a penalty kick. Some smartalick Panamanian defensive back gave Dion an atomic wedgie inside the penalty area back in June 1996 and the one-eyed ref caught the flagrant foul with his good eye. Mysteriously, the MCC Stadium lights went off just as Dion struck his infamous “Prince of Darkness” penalty kick. Still, Belize lost 4 to 1. I believe if Belize reduces by half their customary number of pina colada time-outs, they may become more competitive in their region. I’ll recommend alternative career counseling for the coaching staff, but apparently team Physiotherapist, Ken Vasquez, is doing a swell job. The lads seem to enjoy his structural integration massages. I’m just saying.

I really dig the Belizean flag. It depicts two indigenous guys standing in front of a mahogany tree, carrying axes, saws, sledge hammers, and a really big baseball bat. It appears that the national tree is doomed.  Belizeans are mahogany loggers, pal. But, wassup with the baseball bat?  Chito Martinez was the only Belizean to ever play baseball (Baltimore Orioles, 1991-93). There’s also a three-masted schooner sailing blissfully across the flag. Could it be bringing in a load of wealthy Orvis outfitted flats fishermen? The national motto, “sub umbra floreo,” i.e., Under the Shade I Flourish, is prominently displayed across the bottom of the flag. This motto works perfectly for Camp Moosemaple. Chilling on a sultry Limekiln Road afternoon with an icy Belizean Lighthouse Lager under my defoliated, butt rotted American beech, I flourish.     

In summary, if you wanna escape the implacable Adirondack winter in exchange for a couple of weeks in a tropical paradise, write to President Barack H. “Barry” Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20500, and demand that I be designated Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to Belize. I’ll have a rum punch and hammock waiting for you on Ambergris Caye, and I’ll bill your two week retreat to my discretionary, $3M per annum, Ambassador’s Fund for Cultural Preservation. If you want an AE&P you can rely on to diplomatically squander your tax dollars, I’m your man. Please help me, help you. Write Barry today.