The Masked Pundit has been eavesdropping from the Central Adirondack shadows and is once again willing to provide the inquisitive Express faithful with his willy-nilly assertions.

Dear Masked Pundit, please comment regarding the blasphemous March 22 Express expose of the Nuns with bad Habits plus One carousing throughout Old Forge’s St. Patty’s Day Parade. The aftershock was so biblical, it tsunamied across the Atlantic and breached the shores of the Emerald Isle.  Signed, Jim Shortz, Big Moose.  

Yes Jimbo, Union loyalists are already referring to this year’s parade as “The 2011 St. Paddy’s Rising.” I was loitering next to the judges table between the Blow Hole and Walt’s Diner, when the naughty nuns and one marched over and mooned us innocent bystanders. I was so horrified I ran home, bathed in Irish Spring, said two Hail Mary’s and slammed three Guinness Stouts. (The Hail Mary’s were a bit gratuitous since my hallowed Navy dog tags portray me as an AB+/Protestant.) I then returned to the Blow Hole for several rounds of sanctified Labatt’s Blues and headed east for some blessed Slicker’s fish and chips.  

Just as I composed myself, some young lad in a tartan plaid skirt marched in blasting the “Cliffs of Doneen” through his ear shattering Union Pipes. I don’t think he was wearing underwear. My wife’s ancestors called Moby Dick’s Pub in County Cork home, so she’s accustomed to living like this.  Not me. I thought when I died I’d be going to hell. Now it looks like I’ll probably be going to Old Forge. By the way, I don’t think children should be exposed to bipolar Elvis impersonators or road ragers who drive sharp edged shopping carts with reckless abandon. The parade was eerily reminiscent of Michael Dwyer’s 1799 Wicklow Guerrilla Campaign. I trust those Sassy Sisters of the Forge aren’t invited to the Easter Parade.  Slainte.   

Dear Masked Expert, is there a viable alternative to Old Forge’s St. Patty’s Day Shenanigans?  Signed, Anita Beer, Thendara.  

Yes Anita, there is and it’s just a few miles up Route 28 in Raquette Lake.  I’ve yet to observe the fete first hand, but that won’t prevent me from describing it as though I was there. Evidently, participants imbibe freely in the Tap Room until they’re rounded up by that notorious Irish renegade, Beeba Norris, who marches them from the public house, up Mick Hill to the stop sign at Mick Street. Beeba then slams the stop sign with a shovel, and the bloody insurrectionists retreat to the Tap Room for corned beef and cabbage. After feasting, the Celtic games commence with chainsaw dueling and full contact road bowling. Geez, I hope that Old Forge and Raquette Lake aren’t branded the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Central Adirondacks.  Although, the notoriety may make it easier for them to qualify for federal and state pork, I mean grants. Is there such a thing as too much fun? Ni.      

Dear Masked Pundit, are you predicting the winner of the upcoming election for TOW Supervisor?  Signed, Trudy Lookinglass, Otter Lake.  

No way, Trudy.  Remember, I was the nincompoop who wagered his paycheck on “Saving Private Ryan” to win the 1998 Best Picture Oscar.  Nope, “Shakespeare in Love.”  What was I thinking? I’d only consider endorsing a political candidate, if he/she bought me a round of adult beverages. I can honestly attest that of the announced TOW Supervisor candidates, only one has done so.  To be fair to the other candidates, I won’t use his real name. Thanks, Ted. Rich (his real name), I’m still waiting.  I’m probably obliged to throw my inconsequential encouragement to Irish Mike Ross (not his real name) if he runs for Councilman again. He finally paid me off during the infamous St. Patty’s Day meltdown. Each of these candidates has now received the Masked Pundit’s kiss of death. Oh well boyz, there’s always 2026.

Dear Masked Authority, now that Glenn Beck and Simply Sarah have crashed and burned, who are your preferred challengers to President Barry’O?  Signed, Rick O’Shea, Uncas Road.  

Well Rick, I’m going with reigning FOX pop icons, Trump and Bachmann.  They sound like a Hall of Fame pitcher/catcher battery. T&B make B&P look like Punch and Judy. Of the most famous duos of all time, Martin and Lewis, Abbot and Costello, Cheech and Chong, Burns and Allen, and Farley and Spade, I believe T&B most closely resemble A&C. You know, wondering who’s on first. T&B are certifiable representatives of the brain dead Birther and Tea Partays. There’s a problematic chance that the Newtster and Callista Bisek, one of his current wives and/or mistresses, will wade in, thereby clouding my crystal ball. I know Callista attended High School in Wisconsin, but nobody can tell me where she was birthed. Yikes, The Donald. Regardless, I’m quite sure our alien, anchor baby President is losing sleep over the colorful array of illustrious challengers.  In the lyrics of Stephen Sondheim, “Send in the clowns, don’t bother, they’re here.”

Dear Masked Buff, did you lay down your bet on the Old Forge Pond ice-out buoy?  Signed Mandy Lifeboats, First Lake.  

See here Mandy, I’ve been struggling for years to entice the Mohawk Nation Council of Chiefs into erecting a floating casino/Wal-Mart on Old Forge Pond, to compliment the Enchanted Forest, Water Safari and Calypso Cove. In fact, I believe Old Forge Pond should be renamed Calypso Cove.  Along with the municipal sand beach, a tiki bar and a little ice free open water, we could expect the overflow from college spring break in Panama City Beach to be heading our way with all of their unemployed parent’s dwindling 401K funds. Instead, I’m supposed to wager my 97.5 percent zinc pennies predicting the precise moment in time a stupid navigation buoy floats free of lake ice? This lame-o PR stunt smacks of mud-season desperation. At least aim a webcam at the apathetic hunk of Styrofoam and sell tickets globally. Why do I have to be the only crackpot in these parts to think outside his rubber room? Grow up, Old Forge.