Paraprosdokians is a word according to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. It’s a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. From what I have learned they particularly appeal to curmudgeons. I have to say, if that is the truth I have to be a certifiable curmudgeon because no matter how many times I read the same ones I am amused. From my perspective they appeal to me because there is more truth than poetry in them as the saying goes. As I read them I can see in my mind people and incidences that they embody. Or, in the case of the rest, the absolute truth is personified.

Take, “Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.”  I think everyone reading this has been in that situation. I believe Mark Twain was the originator. My father had a sure fire way of avoiding many such situations when he told me to never argue politics or religion.

Here’s a good one that reminded me of a guy I knew from my Forest Service days. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part where it says, “In case of emergency, notify:___ I put doctor.” We were in the midst of a first aid class and the instructor asked an old horse packer, nicknamed “Speedy Lawrence” what he would do if a mule kicked him and broke his leg. He replied, “Cry like hell.”

It reminds me of another classic exchange between two old Adirondack curmudgeons, Buster Bird and Riley Parsons. Buster’s wife was the town clerk and Riley stopped in to get his hunting license but she was away. Buster made it out for him and filled in the appropriate blanks for physical characteristics thus: Age—old, Height—short, Eyes—two, Hair—none, Weight—light. Riley never noticed it until much later but that was too late.

As an old hunter I can relate to this one. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.” I remember doing exactly that years ago on my first duck hunt. A bunch of ducks came winging by, I lead the first one in the flock and at the shot the third one in line fell. Do you think I ever told the guy I was hunting with it was not my target?

Here is another I am painfully aware of. “A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station is where the train stops. My desk is a work station.” How well I am beginning to know it. Paper work is without question the hardest work I have ever done. I know I have a lot of company out there who feel the same way.

Then of course there are those that are supposed to be humorous but are far from it in many ways. “Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.”

Another man versus women is thing is, “Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of many a successful man is usually another woman.” Don’t let that happen to you boys, you know what happened to Spitzer and a great many other politicians.

 I am beginning to think this next one applies to me about this point in this missive. “You are never too old to learn something stupid.”

The rest of these no longer have to be embellished on.

“Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

“Money can’t buy happiness but it makes living in misery easier.”

“I didn’t say it was your fault I said I was blaming you.”

“A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.”

Now here is one that pertains to everyone I know and a good point to end this I think. “I used to be indecisive. Now I am not so sure.”