I’ve been waiting for years, my whole life in fact, for my hidden talent to be revealed and it has finally happened. I, without assistance or coaching, am capable of picking up just about anything off of the floor with my toes.

It is said that desperate times call for desperate measures and this is just how I discovered my circus-worthy ability. When one has the equivalent of a watermelon attached to the front of one’s body, you see, one must be resourceful. Performing the miracle of fashioning a complete human being has rendered me physically incapable of performing certain tasks, but I have not let it stop me. I may need a nap after folding one load of laundry, but I can darn well pick up that fallen paper towel/spatula/sock with my toes. When I do this it makes me feel a little bit monkeyish, which in turn makes me laugh ... which could soon lead to using bladder control products.

Give me a break, I’ve got someone kicking my internal organs.

I mentioned in an earlier column my new affinity for morning and afternoon television. I’ve now come across shows that have pageant moms and dance moms. Now I am a baseball, soccer and basketball mom when said sports are in season but these women, sometimes joined by their significant others, have nothing on me. They are right out of their minds from what I can tell. I’ve discovered that the pageant business is very big with the people that populate southern region of our great land, bless their hearts. Everything is oversized and overdone including but not limited to hair, makeup, dresses, tanning and most especially rhinestones. These itty bitty girls carry around their weight in rhinestone bedazzlement as well as hair that is at least half their height, (without heels.) They have been bronzed, primped, and plucked within an inch of their lives by their mothers. They’ve got hair extensions, flat irons, curlers and bobby pins enough for a full service salon.

After all the physical readying that gives you a bit of insight into the pageant moms there is the talent portion to contend with. Oh my, but doesn’t a grown woman look completely insane while performing a child’s tap routine in sync with them from the audience. Encouraging and supporting or slightly unbalanced? Not certain. I really wasn’t sure if I was entertained or appalled by the moms trying to mirror image their child’s expressions from the sidelines.

“Look Suzy, act surprised ... like this. Now act endearing ... like this.”

That these people allow their pageant following lives to be documented for the television watching world to see is what really gets me. If I were to spend all of my time and income spray tanning a four year old so she could behave like a big haired Shirley Temple on a hotel conference room stage ... well, I don’t believe I’d be inclined to broadcast it, is all. Truth be told, I wouldn’t know how on earth to apply makeup and such to a small child or work with hair extensions of any sort.

The dance mother television program is similar except that there’s the added conflict of an opinionated teacher paired with group cooperation. I must say the teacher is not a warm, fuzzy sort of gal and reminds me a bit of Miss Hannigan from Little Orphan Annie mixed with Mommy Dearest. This show also includes so much glitter and costuming that it’s blinding and young girls pitted against other young girls in fierce competition. The off the wall dance teacher spends much of her time screaming as if they are about to storm the beach for battle instead of doing a little soft shoe number. Don’t get me wrong, there are many talented kids on these programs but I doubt any of them can pick up kitchen items with their toes. Just sayin’.