Disclaimer: The following scam is offered exclusively to Expresslandians and visitors to the area. Parental discretion is advised because conscientious parents should always employ discretion when it comes to their precious little brats. I’m planning a celebrity pre-book signing event for my latest unwritten quintessential Adirondack novel. The pre-book signing will take place on open mic night at Tote’s Tea House on Forge Street in Thendara. I’m hoping that on the night of the pre-book signing a spontaneous jam session will erupt including the likes of Paul Case, Joe Bolton, Ed the Butcher, Al the Baker and the Fulton Chain Gang. Maybe Shakira, Lady Gaga and Sidney Pinto will body surf outta the mosh pit to bedazzle the audience. Emperor Cuomo should commute the Chain Gang’s sentence after twenty years. Them boyz was framed.

A traditional book signing means that the author will affix his/her signature to the title page or flyleaf of the book. The assumption is that the signature will increase the value of the book. It’s like TOW Supervisor Ted Riehle signing a bottle of his feted homemade maple syrup. You can never use it on pancakes because the unopened syrup bottle becomes a highly prized item you can peddle to Mike and Frank on “American Pickers.”  If Supervisor Riehle chooses to dedicate the bottle, i.e., scribble “To my pal Stan, don’t choke on your blue corn pinon pancakes,” on the label, we’re talking major collectible at a huge bump. Please note that you should definitely not take your autographed syrup bottle to “Pawn Stars Las Vegas.” I watched one show where some Bozo brought in a mint Ty Cobb rookie baseball card worth $6M to sell and meathead Rick offered the guy $200.  The guy took the $200.  What’s up with that Chumlee dude? His family must’ve pawned him before he was weaned. My advice is stick with Mike and Frank. They’re clean-cut trash hoarders from America’s heartland.    

The first book signing event took place on April 1, 2400 BC. The book became the best selling “Epic of Gilgamesh” written by Unknown Author who lived in Somewhere, Mesopotamia. Unknown Author was paid bookoo dinars for each signature since his book was written on four stone tablets and it took months to carve a single autograph. Copies of the epic were scarfed up by local emperors and kings. Since each tablet weighed three hundred pounds, book buyers had to be prominent enough to employee slave powered forklifts to turn the pages. It was a very weighty book on many levels.  Some popular contemporary authors are known to sign every copy of their book which in my case would be in the tens of signatures. Time is money my friends so you’re gonna have to pay up front for my autograph. Remember once I pre-sign the pre-book your purchase is non-refundable.    

The fun part of a book signing event for the public is that they get to meet the author up close and personal. It’s like you and I will be best buddies for thirty-seconds.  Personally I don’t really want to know anything about your no-account lives so do me a favor and just fork over the $25 signing fee and I’ll autograph a 2”x 2” Post-it Note that you can paste in my novel if and when I write it. Trust me $25 is a good deal especially if you get to enjoy some awesome local musicians. Messers Case and Bolton are legendary fan favorites with humbling musical repertories, while Raquette Lake’s own Ed the Butcher not only blows Bourbon Street worthy horn, he can cut up an entire pig into one hundred mostly recognizable parts. Al the Baker hammers awesome keyboard, then hammers out the best no-hole bagels east of the Black River. The Chain Gang’s so outlawish, they should be incarcerated. I’d be amped to have these artistes front my pre-book signing extravaganza, without recompense of course.

Looks like I’m gonna have plenty of competition in the upcoming book signing season, it’s more about quantity than quality though. Some of the second rate authors holding book signing events include Rob Zombie, Ricky Skaggs, Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, Elton John and Loretta Lynn. Who even knew that Kenny Rogers and Loretta Lynn were still upright sucking air. Ted Allen, star of “Chopped” and “Queer Eye” will be signing his new book “In My Kitchen” in Brooklyn. Michael Ian Black and Megan McCain will be signing copies of “America, You Sexy Bitch” in Central Park. And don’t miss former New York Knick and U.S. Senator Bill Bradley signing his new book “We Can All Do Better” in Ridgewood, New Jersey. Too bad Dollar Bill couldn’t do better in his 2000 run for President. Al Gore scored twenty primary wins while his smothering man-to-man defense held Bradley scoreless. I guess Chump Change Bill knows of what he writes.

I hope all of these pseudo-authors sell a ton of books. The more the merrier. Books are archeological records of the rise and fall of mankind. We started writing on cave walls, then we moved on to clay tablets, papyrus, bone, wood, seashells, silk, wax tablets, parchment, paper and finally on to CDs and DVDs. I’ll ask Sigourney Weaver to record my book. Her voice is at once soothing and authoritative. Siggy should have time once she wraps up her mind-blowing TV miniseries “Political Animals.” PA’s the television event of the summer season, right after the 2012 “Family Guy” premier where baby Stewie traveled back in time with Brian the dog. Although Siggy’s been avoiding me in her fortified Too Long Lake compound for two decades, I’m confident her people and mine can eventually get this project done. Of course if the deal’s gonna happen, I actually have to write a book. Holy shitake mushrooms.

Anyhow keep your good eye pealed for the Tote’s Tea House advertisement announcing the next open mic night. I might be at the table nearest the men’s room for my pre-book signing. When I’m excited I have the bladder control of a sixty-seven year old.