Being up late at night and into the wee, small hours of the morning with a baby can be rough. Being the glass half full sort I have tried to learn what I can during my wakeful times. That was a nice way to put it, yes? What I really mean is that I have been absorbing scads of useless information during the times that I am awake during ungodly hours, wandering the world like a zombie. People keep talking about all these zombie incidents, but I suspect that most of these “zombies”  are just sleep deprived mothers with newborn babies.

As usual, most of the trivial information I’ve been taking in is from television. I’ve decided that I will not be taking any medication stronger than a vitamin shaped like Fred Flintstone. This revelation is due to the countless commercials for lawyers that are offering to sue the manufacturers of every drug ever put on the market. These helpful lawyers want to know if you’ve had any number of horrible things happen after taking certain drugs or having varied procedures performed. If, for instance, you took a high blood pressure pill and then your ears damn near fell right off, you may be entitled to a settlement. Should you have your bladder fixed up with some sort of mesh insert and then find that you are turning colors and randomly breaking into song and dance, you may be entitled to compensation. If you stubbed your toe four weeks after having a particular surgical procedure on your knee, you have every right to sue the crap out of various people including, but not limited to, your third cousin twice removed, the neighboring town’s mail carrier, your local vacuum salesperson, and the cashier in the grocery store express lane.

There are also the warnings they rattle off at the end of medication commercials to contend with. Do not touch this pill with a ten foot pole of you are aged 10 to 63, have ever eaten a Twinkie, or if you like to listen to REO Speedwagon. Should you consume this pill and suddenly feel that you are Papa Smurf and need to return to your Smurfy village, seek medical attention right away. Certain side effects, such as speaking in tongues and your’s or your neighbors’ toenails turning green are minor and may fade with use. Do not drink root beer or consume vanilla ice cream during use or for three weeks after discontinuing use as you may develop an uncontrollable urge to eat toothpaste and play the bongos.

Other things I’ve learned  late at night include the following: I can and will stay tuned to the movie, “Dirty Dancing,” each and every time I come across it, no matter if I saw it a day or a month ago. The same goes for any installment of “The Godfather” movies. Someday I will be able to do the cha-cha like a pro and/or stop the murder of Sonny Corleone, I just know it. Should I watch “Mob Week” on a movie channel, I will speak like Tony Montana from Scarface for days and will address most people as “meng” complete with a Cuban accent for an indeterminable amount of time. I have been fighting the urge to buy the pan that makes a perfect tortilla bowl in minutes out of a plain, flat tortilla. Just think of the fabulous fajita and taco salads I can make for my family! I do not, however, feel like I need the tricky looking contraption that turns a boxed cake mix into cake lollipops. I’ll take my cake any way I can get it, thanks; no need to waste a perfectly good stick to make me happy.