I’m tired of candidates for political office attempting to out fib each other in so called debates. They line up in front of us eager voters and present outlandish proclamations designed to make themselves appear more creditable than their opponents. Most of us are so weary of their verbal acrobatics that we no longer bother to verify their carefully concocted misstatements. If you repeat misinformation long enough, it becomes fact.  Teenagers and politicians learn the art of sticking to a lie early in their careers. Judge Judy says that she knows kids are lying when their mouths are moving. The same can be said for politicians.

Therefore, I propose that we eliminate redundant political debates and reinstitute the “notion of honor,” a.k.a., the duel. That’s right, political candidates facing off at ten paces with single-shot, percussion black powder pistols which fire a lead musket ball.  Maybe the incorruptible NCAA can provide the referees to insure that the contestants adhere to the Code Duello of 1777. Any weenie can snow their way through a political debate, spewing half-truths and innuendos. Let’s see them snow their way through a duel where losing isn’t an option. The kinda politician I want representing me is the one left standing.

I can hear you namby pamby Expresslandians saying, “Surely he means dueling with paintball guns or Super Soakers.” No, no I don’t and don’t call me Shirley. I want the worthiest candidate to survive and at the same time, reduce the surplus of second rate politicians. There’s nothing more nauseating than enduring yet another run by a retread, windup candidate that doesn’t know when to call it quits. I’ll concede that political candidates from Texas and Alaska will have a head start on the rest of the U.S., since children in those states can legally carry concealed weapons to Kindergarten. But, take away their AK-47’s and AP-9 9mm Assault Pistols and hand them an 18th Century British single shot dueling pistol and suddenly the playing field is a tad more level. You can’t hose your target with a dueling pistol.          

There’s plenty of precedent for my proposal. A surprising number of our founding fathers survived notions of honor.  One of the most famous was Vice President Aaron Burr versus Presidential hopeful Alexander Hamilton back on July 11, 1804. We all remember that Hamilton prevented Burr from becoming President when Burr tied Thomas Jefferson’s vote count. Thereafter, Hamilton continued to say despicable things about Burr. Chagrined, Burr called for a pistol throw-down.

It’s said that Hamilton fired first, aiming high on purpose. He intended to end their feud peaceably. Instead, he took out the last known Weehawken Ivory Billed woodpecker, who was innocently drumming for grubs in a nearby butt-rotted beech. Like a real politician, Burr fired his shot into Hamilton’s spine. Hamilton expired the following afternoon and we had one less long term politician to provide for. Burr was charged with murder, but the case never came to trial. Exterminating political adversaries and coyotes was considered a public service in Jersey. Burr was never again a political force, but he’ll always be number one in our hearts.  

Who can forget our most dueling President of all-time. Andrew Jackson survived at least 14 duels. Friends said he was so full of lead that he, “rattled like a bag of marbles.” On May 30, 1806, Jackson faced off with the best shot in the country, Charles Dickinson at Harrison’s Mill on the Red River in Kentucky. Dickinson insulted the future 7th U.S. President when he claimed Jackson cheated on a horse racing bet. He then made the fatal mistake of insulting Andy’s bigamous wife, Rachel Donelson Robards Jackson, calling her, well, bigamous. Jackson allowed Dickinson to take the first shot, which promptly imbedded itself between Andy’s ribs. Barely wincing, Jackson fired only to have his hammer drop into the half-cocked position. According to etiquette, the duel was over. Not for Old Hickory. He re-cocked his pistol and shot the incredulous Dickinson deader than Kelsey’s nuts, to quote Richard Nixon. Old Hickory enjoyed being shot with musket balls and Mitch Frasier covering Johnny Horton’s “Battle of New Orleans” at the Raquette Lake end of summer partay.   

Back in the notion of honor heydays, politicians put their lead balls where their mouths were. Contemporary politicians make excuses for their shortcomings and blame others for the state of the States. If aspiring candidates were forced to stake their reputations and platforms on the facts or face a dueling pistol, the voter public would finally be placed first in the political process. If a few scoundrels gain office simply because they happen to be adept with dueling pistols, I can live with that. There will always be some principled pistolero ready to move in and take over when the scoundrel comes up for reelection.    

Now, let’s be crystal clear about one thing. I’m not condoning political assassinations, unless the politician is advocating the prohibition of alcohol. Those Bozos should be treated as big game, like black bears and whitetail deer. What I’m advancing is legalized gentlepersonly combat between candidates for elected office. Voters will never again be subjected to hanging chads, election recounts, political graft, lobbyists, negative add campaigns, and sleazy corporate money. The candidates will be on their own to sink or swim. It’s Darwinian survival of the fittest, whether you believe in evolution or not.  There will be some incidental first aid and interment expenses, but they’ll be borne by the candidates.  No public funds will be expended to deep six losers.

I understand that for some, bringing back the notion of honor concept may seem a bit harsh at first blush. But harsh times call for harsh measures. Under our current debate premise, our aspiring politicians can’t seem to control their urge to fabricate reality. I believe that substituting duels for debates will help stifle those urges. Now, all of you politicians out there who agree with my honorable notion please raise your good hand.  Uh-huh. Just as I thought. (Next time, “Motivating Congress with tazers.”)