The Masked Pundit’s gloating as he sums up Inlet’s record smashing One Square Mile of Hope II.  

Dear Masked Pundit, please comment on the record shattering Inlet One Square Mile of Hope II.  Signed, Bab L. Enbrook, Eagle Bay

Babs, I’m proud to say that Inlet’s the “little town that could.” Inlet, estimated population 330 unconventional souls, along with hundreds of good friends, has now bested the mega metropolises of Cleveland and Pittsburgh to regain the Guinness Book of World Records title for the greatest number of bumping and grinding canoes, kayaks and guideboats within one square mile of fluxuating fluids. Who knew that Cleveland and Pittsburgh had guideboats. What do they use them for, hauling pig iron? Anyhow, it looks like Atlanta’s the next challenger to Inlet’s newest world record. Gee, with a metro area population of 5,475,213, do you think “The City too Busy to Hate” has a chance. I’m not too busy to genuinely dislike Atlanta’s hackneyed nickname.

Dear Masked Pundit, how come Boston and New York City never attempt to break the One Square Mile of Hope record?  Signed, Bill Meelater, Indian Lake.  

Bill, let’s hope they never try to break the record. The Beantown and Big Apple Nations are strictly frontrunners. They’d no doubt pay participants six figure salaries and lure the best paddlers away from other cities with huge signing bonuses. Neither city has a problem paying the luxury tax for exceeding avarice restrictions. Their zealous fans would expect them to set a new record every year, and drive small market winners, like Inlet into obscurity. Imagine A-Rod, Jeter, Bellycheck, Pretty Boy Brady, and whoever plays for the Dead Sox, paddling their Swifties for the common good. It could happen.

Dear Masked Pundit, I observed you during One Square Mile of Hope II, as you singlehandedly prevented the anchor dragging armada from beaching right outta world record contention.  Signed, Storm E. See, Hollywood Hills.  

Truthfully Stormy, my Mountainman Native Watercraft Ultimate 12 Tegris ran afoul of a rouge pink Clorox bottle and became the key log in a monster log jam of 1,925 boats. I’m not taking credit for saving the day, but left to the howling southwest wind, the record breaking fleet would’ve otherwise washed ashore on the Peter’s Cottages beach. Luckily, after the official horn sounded, a spry river driver clambered atop our boats and pried us free with his peavey pole. Very Adirondacky.

Dear Masked Pundit, how can tiny Inlet, NY, produce enough paddlers to keep breaking the Guinness World Record?  Signed, Eva Lution, Scusa Road.

Well Eva, aside from the long winters, Inletian adoptees span the globe from Vero Beach to Rochester. We still have a Post Office with a cool Post Master, the best chicken wings at Screamen Eagle, a super friendly transfer station, and Buzz Chew Racing that competes in the NASCAR Camping World racing series. I guess those guys race between campsites hoping to get the best spots. Anyhow, Inlet has great stores like Adirondack Reflections, French Louie’s, Zone 3, ACE Hardware, Kalil’s Grocery, Tamarack, Wine Shop, Peddles and Petals, Mary’s White Pine Bakery, Northern Lights and many more too numerous to mention. You could look it up. We also have a wonderful golf course, complete with tees, holes, coyotes and monster snapping turtles. Most Inletians will tell you it’s the best place to be from. Okay, maybe Connie Perry and her legions of committed volunteers also had something to do with another world record.

Dear Masked Pundit, aren’t records made to be broken?  Signed, Dee Stroyer, Raquette Lake.  

Dee, I’d agree with you if I hadn’t helped set the prestigious One Square Mile of Hope world record, twice. If there was an OSMOH World Cup, my name would be on it, twice.  Heck, Bobby Orr’s name only appears on the Stanley Cup twice and he’s an NHL legend. I understand that it’s for a worthy cause, but setting a new record every three years is taxing my finely tuned body beyond its limited recuperative powers. Sitting in a bobbing kayak for up to two hours while holding back a thousand more would be considered heroic in most professional sports. More importantly, being a world record holder is a monumental societal responsibility. I’m considered a role model, held up to constant scrutiny by the press, law enforcement and gullible school children. Every time I knock back a few too many Black Forests at Slickers, people point fingers and say I’m disgracing Team Inlet and my pink tee-shirt. But if I’m called on again to support my little town that could, count me in Connie. We’ll win one more for, Shelby, aka, Scraps the Wonder Dog, and more importantly, The Cure.

Dear Masked Pundit, what’s up with the outrageous paddling costumes worn by One Square Mile participants?  Signed, Justine Credible, Otter Lake.  

Yup Justine, everything from Viking horn hats to pink flamingoes to pink hair to my cousin Scott’s bear head hat. It’s hard to discern which one’s the bear’s head. We’re hoping we never see his bear bottom hat. Organized cheering, paddle stomping, raucous laughter and spontaneous jocularity are encouraged. It’s a partay with a purpose and come-as-you-are dress code. Maybe the outrageous costumes make it easier to find yourself in the official aerial photo. I’m still trying to find myself in the Inlet One Square Mile of Hope I photo. Turns out I wasn’t the only one wearing a sixty gallon pink sombrero, international orange prison jump suit and floppy yellow clown shoes.   

Dear Masked Pundit, how can you make light of such a serious cause as combating breast cancer? Signed, ZaZa from Minnehaha.  

Za, everybody knows someone who’s been stricken with this insidious form of cancer, I’m no exception. Mrs. Masked Pundit’s big sister, Carol, lost her courageous battle in 1996. One of our best friends is currently undergoing post operative radiation treatments. Her prognosis is good. I’ve shed a tear and I’ve laughed with survivors.  I prefer laughing, when at all possible. When we’re paddling and setting world records, we’re doing something affirmative and optimistic. So keep on smiling and paddling my friend. Our new record is meant to be broken. The more the merrier, so go for it Atlanta.