I see no reason why every non-comatose Expresslandian can’t write a novel. It’s so easy that I’m going for number two. I’m inspired by the unsubstantiated cult status of my quintessential Adirondack thriller, “Belle of Blue Mountain (BoBM)” and the inaudible clambering for another tour de force from my capricious readership. Those who have yet to enjoy the sardonically irreverent BoBM may do so free of charge by perusing archived Express issues dating back to ...
My propensity for fighting uphill battles, tilting at windmills and making yellow snow into the wind is indubitable. Therefore, the ensuing fume will no doubt be disregarded out of hand by aromatic people. I’m shamelessly allergic to perfumes and colognes. When I’m in close proximity to those who luxuriate in essential oils and aroma compounds, I suffer headaches, watery eyes and irrepressible choking. Once, after walking past the perfume counter in Macy’s, I projectile v ...
Happy New Year? In the first place, I’m now writing 2012 on my overdrawn checks to our Inlet tax collector. Happy Gregorian New Year, Linda Nelson. In the second place, Jan. 23 marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. Lose your Dragon-self. In the third place, the dragon is enigmatically considered the most encouraging of the Chinese zodiac animals. In the fourth place, we should prepare for scores of lion dances, karaoke competitions, dragon parades and Chinese operas at View. In the ...
On the table, along with this note, you’ll find your favorite Spam fillets caramelized in Riehle maple syrup and Gatorade for your electrolyte deprived reindeer. There’s also a shot of Monster Hitman Energy Drink to kick your butt from here to Sacramento. Don’t tell Kathy that I fried Spam in Ted’s maple syrup. She considers that sacrilegious and I’ll be relegated to her $#.?list.
I’ll make this brief. I don’t want any Christmas gifts ...
Once again the Masked Pundit’s providing sage infused nuggets of wisdom to Central Adirondackers scared goofy by the crumbling American dream.
Dear Masked Pundit, is there anybody in America I can confidently vote for in the 2012 Presidential election? Signed, Kitty Litter, Thendara.
Kitty, the operative word is confidently. This may be the goofiest cadre of candidates for high office I’ve experienced in my forty-nine-year voting career. And trust me, I’ve voted for some goof ...
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I like saloons. But let’s be crystal clear. You don’t have to be a sot to appreciate saloons. The American republic was born and nurtured in frontier saloons from Albany, New York to Carter’s Valley, Tennessee. Let’s use the comprehensive definition of saloon, i.e., a bar, inn and/or tavern, in this reverential dissertation.
Some Adirondack saloons not only serve a dizzying array of adult beverages, they ...
I feel bad for the uninitiated who believe that present day country music’s the real deal. Pardon my impertinence, but country music died when the last “three cords and the truth” traditionalists Dwight Yoakam, Suzy Bogguss and Patty Loveless were booted aside by entrepreneurs like Garth Brooks, Shania Twain, Trace Adkins, Toby Keith and peahead Kenny Chesney of “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” fame. That opportunist makes bookoo bucks crooning “country&rd ...
I revere the Adirondacks as much as the next yahoo, but I gotta tell ya, these woods can get down right stinky. Have you ever gone into the woods to collect kindling for a campfire, reached down to pick up some black cherry twigs, and come up with a fistful of vile smelling, Jell-O’ee, wetwood slime. That stuff’s nasty. Fresh bear poop smells like Old Spice when compared to wetwood slime. Chemicals in the slime prevent wounded cherry trees from healing, kills neighboring plants and c ...
The Masked Pundit’s gloating as he sums up Inlet’s record smashing One Square Mile of Hope II.
Dear Masked Pundit, please comment on the record shattering Inlet One Square Mile of Hope II. Signed, Bab L. Enbrook, Eagle Bay
Babs, I’m proud to say that Inlet’s the “little town that could.” Inlet, estimated population 330 unconventional souls, along with hundreds of good friends, has now bested the mega metropolises of Cleveland and Pittsburgh to reg ...
I’m tired of candidates for political office attempting to out fib each other in so called debates. They line up in front of us eager voters and present outlandish proclamations designed to make themselves appear more creditable than their opponents. Most of us are so weary of their verbal acrobatics that we no longer bother to verify their carefully concocted misstatements. If you repeat misinformation long enough, it becomes fact. Teenagers and politicians learn the art of sticking ...
Deb and I had been holding forth in Virginia since early May. For the first time in years, I didn’t come north for my annual spring fishing trip. We stayed south to help my mother tend to my ailing father, who remains stricken with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and congestive heart failure. His slowly declining condition has been considered week to week for going on five months. My mother, bless her heart, suggested we head north for a while and have some fun. vercoming our gu ...
I’ve purchased my hunting and fishing licenses religiously since I was first required to do so fifty years ago. I’m conscientious not because my father, a principled outdoorsman, instilled in me his praiseworthy sportsman’s ethical code. And, it’s not because I love to see my exorbitant non-resident fees fund essential state and federal game management programs. No, I purchase the required sporting licenses because I don’t want to share a jail cell with the “B ...
If Manitou, the omnipresent Algonquian spirit, decreed that I could fish but one Adirondack watershed, I’d choose Raquette Lake. World-class brook and lake trout, smallmouth and largemouth bass, landlocked Atlantic salmon, bullheads, sunfish, perch, whitefish and smelt commingle blissfully in Raquette. Numerous nourishing feeder streams provide the necessary sustenance for the lake’s diverse fisheries and bonus angling opportunities.
Just as important, Raquette Lake Village sustains ...
Disclaimer: Most Expresslandians will find the following transcript so onerous as to make them physically ill. The ideologies discussed may be considered morally reprehensible, politically insensitive, and/or downright criminal. Grandparental discretion is advised.
In case you missed it, I was a recent guest on “Meet the Press,” hosted by David Gregory. David: Stan why did my soon to be ex-producer invite you to the premiere network news show? Me: I was invited to present my alterna ...
Once again, the Masked Pundit attempts to pacify the cynical Expresslandian masses.
Dear Masked Pundit, can you resolve the longstanding North Country squabble about which is more worthy, soft or hard ice cream? Signed, Hedda Lettuce, Pied Piper.
Hedda, I’ve always believed that each of these flabulous concoctions is best represented by two types of people. I associate soft ice cream aficionados with ballerinas and hard ice cream enthusiasts with loggers. In my vast experience, ballerina ...
I’m an enthusiastic fan of TV survival shows not written or produced by Jeff Probst. We’re talking real life, humans vs. nature scenarios here. My current diversion is “Dual Survival” on the Discovery Channel, featuring Dave Canterbury and Cody Lundin. Dave’s an ex-Army, gung-ho, buzz cut adrenalin junkie, and Cody’s a mellowed out, pigtailed hippie desert rat, and quasi-Native American spiritualist. When Dave gets hungry, he pounces on the nearest critt ...
PIN heads
Deb and I are certifiable PIN heads. We’re amongst the ten percent of American consumers who’ve fallen victim to fraudulent ATM cash withdrawals as a result of doctored PIN skimming machines. The distressing call from our Credit Union security company came at around 9 a.m.
“Hello, Ms. Ernst, can you verify that you’re really Ms. Ernst?”
“Sure, what identification do you need?”
“We need your long form birth certificate that proves y ...
The following dissertation reveals anecdotal data about the only genus of finned fishes native to the Adirondack Mountains, Salvelinus, which includes S. fontinalis, the brook trout, and its kissing cousin, S. namaycush, the lake trout. The scientific jargon will be kept at a minimum since I don’t know any.
Salvelinus first appeared in Adirondack lakes and streams after the last Pleistocene glaciers retreated ten thousand years ago. How brookies and lakers arrived inside the Blue Li ...
The inevitable has arrived. This is the first time in a half century my parents won’t open their beloved Camp Fond du lac on Sixth Lake for the summer season.
Both are charter members of Tom Brokaw’s “Greatest Generation,” aka, the WWII generation. My father, 88-years-young, graduated from the Syracuse Forestry College in the same class as late great local icon, Hank Kashiwa, Sr. He also completed advanced studies in Ornithology at Cornell University. He served in the Ar ...
The Masked Pundit has been eavesdropping from the Central Adirondack shadows and is once again willing to provide the inquisitive Express faithful with his willy-nilly assertions.
Dear Masked Pundit, please comment regarding the blasphemous March 22 Express expose of the Nuns with bad Habits plus One carousing throughout Old Forge’s St. Patty’s Day Parade. The aftershock was so biblical, it tsunamied across the Atlantic and breached the shores of the Emerald Isle. Signed, Jim ...
You’ve been asking for it, and now you’re gonna get it. This is the last two pages of the quintessential Adirondack thriller, “Belle of Blue Mountain.” You’ll be sorry, too. From now on you’ll have to pay booku bucks to read the book and see Belle on Broadway. This role is Sigourney’s ticket to Tonyville.
Belle’s life flashed before her eyes. She was being rolled under a third time by a fifteen foot Nile crocodile. She was gasping for air in a bla ...
Back on September 12, 1962 at Rice University when I was eighteen, I recall declaring to a spellbound audience, “We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, to ...
Is it because winter persists, I’m aging exponentially, or because I hatched out nuts? Whatever the reason, I feel like I’m becoming nuttier. As I compose this historic manuscript, the price of a gallon of gasoline at Fastrac, Byrne Dairy and E-Z Mart is approaching typically outlandish European rates; $6.48 in the Netherlands, $5.96 in Italy, and $5.79 in England. Prices will no doubt be higher by publication day. Regardless of how high they climb, I’ll still be able to afford ...
I heart receiving snail mail. It’s stimulating driving to the Post Office, kibitzing with PM Mary Lamphear, carefully entering my mailbox, and x-raying the contents to discover what’s lurking inside. I’m always gratified when it’s not a pipe bomb or weapons grade anthrax. I wonder how long it’s gonna be before my Inlet P.O. box is sealed like Grant’s tomb? President Obama’s included an $11 billion Postal Service bailout in his 2012 budget pro ...
I’ve decided not to seek the Presidency in 2012 as the Craft Beer Liberation Partay candidate. Unlike the Mountainman’s heroic 2010 run against preordained NYS sovereign, Andy “Dandy” Cuomo, it’s not because I don’t think I couldn’t do a worse job than the incumbent. I promise you with all certainty that I can do much worse. I believe many U.S. citizens expect their President to take the job seriously and I know if I was elected, that wouldn’t happ ...
“We have met the enemy and he is us,” Pogo Possum, 1949-1994. Pogo wasn’t your average mud turkle eatin’ swamp sprat; he reluctantly ran for President three times. He also earned a comfortable living spouting social and political satire. Pogo was against the extreme Left, extreme Right, and extreme Middle. If Pogo’s comic strip hadn’t gone extinct, he’d be swamped with a plethora of contemporary satirical material. Is it any wonder that Jon Stewart and S ...
