by Stan Ernst
Honey hole
I motored up the dirt road to the gravel parking area like one hundred times before. I parked at the far end so after my foray I could discreetly change outta my soggy fishing togs. I normally make the trek through the backwoods to the honey hole with a fishing buddy. The fishing buddy's usually Pierre, a retired bureaucrat and Marine who can withstand any torture that might be applied to pry the secret spot outta him. I fear withholding his daily beer ration may someda ...
By Stan Ernst
Deb and I enjoy the Adirondack sides of March. She circumvents the inhospitable spells by rubber stamping undercover with friends. My imaginary friends avoid me therefore I enjoy endless solitary hours of snow removal. I designed our camp so the snow slides off the metal roof directly onto our walkways. Thanks to me I always have snow to shovel.
We have ample opportunity to tramp the trails on snowshoes and watch the wittle birdies and squirrelies raid the feeders. Like the locals ...
Something brewing in Lake Placid
Be advised that a momentous summit transpired in Lake Placid on Friday, March 1, 2013. The high-level pow-wow included emissaries from the twelve NYS counties constituting the Adirondack Park. The envoys conveyed maple syrup from their respective realms as tokens of esteem for their gracious hosts. The summit dignitaries included Adirondack Life Magazine’s Creative Director, Elizabeth Folwell and Lake Placid Craft Brewing’s brewmeister, Christopher Er ...
I believe myself to be the central character in a tragedy called “The War of the Worlds.” You may recall a book by that name authored by H.G. Wells and published in 1898. Wells’ book had two parts, “The Coming of the Martians” and “The Earth under the Martians.” Senior Expresslandians may remember having the bejeepers scared outta them during Orson Welles’ infamous Halloween 1938 radio broadcast in which Welles presented faux news bulle ...
Spouse Deb clipped the Jan. 15 Express picture of Len Payne holding a Mini Cooper-size bobcat to impress her flatland rubber stamper friends. The photo’s displayed on her bulletin board along with those of prominent sentient kitties. She’s enamored with Len’s dearly departed brute who obviously pumped up on deer antler velvet extract. She named him Mongo after Alex Karras’s character in “Blazing Saddles.” I believe Len speculated that this super sized Lynx pre ...
Benny the Squid drove his Schwan’s Food truck through Middleville onto Route 169, while Fulton Chain zoned in the shotgun seat. Benny stirred Fulton from his reverie, “Hey Kid, we’re coming into Little Falls. Like the Chamber of Commerce says, it’s a great town with 5,900 friendly and helpful people.”
Benny continued straight on West Monroe Street then made a right at the Church Street Cemetery.
“Hey Fulton, how many dead people are there in that cemetery,&r ...
I don’t contrive New Year’s resolutions. Instead I tweak my personal core values annually. Core values are guiding principles which “form the core of who I am, what I believe and who I want to be moving forward.” Moving forward I wanna be Sir Richard Branson and live on Necker Island in the Caribbean. Since that ain’t gonna happen I’ll just hone my core values to be the best nonentity that I can be. My core values must reflect the decaying world around me if t ...
I’m perpetually relegated to Santa’s Bad Boy List so I no longer become despondent when he stiffs me. Christmas 2012 is no exception. When I awoke from my long winter’s nap I found stale Halloween candy corn and a desiccated Indianapolis Hampton Inn ballpoint pen in my stocking, which I’d hung by the fire with my usual aplomb. Santa also left an empty six pack of Guinness in my beer fridge. It looked suspiciously similar to the one I purchased two days ago at our lo ...
Deb and I are flatlanders. One month we’re chill’in in the laid-back Adirondacks and the next we’re surviving along side the huddled masses in the Washington Metro Area. Since we’ve yet to make the jump to full-time Adirondack status, we take advantage of the best that both environments offer.
So here I sit in Falls Church, Virginny and it really isn’t too awful. Heck the cardinals are singing and it’s gonna reach 70 degrees today. Yesterday ...
This is the second in a series of gratis peeks into my newest quintessential Adirondack fable, “Fulton Chain.” It’s not recommended for those suffering from acid reflux.
Bennidito Calamari aimed his propane powered Schwan’s Food truck south down Route 28. The starless night developed restless leg syndrome under a blanket of fog. Since departing Raquette Lake, Fulton Chain sat silently, deep in thought. Calamari could stand it no longer.
“Hey Kid, my fr ...
Let me state emphatically that I’m not disrespecting Adirondack Jack Leach when I say I want some of what he’s drinking. If like me you’re not acquainted with Adirondack Jack, he’s evidently a prominent indigenous Bigfootologist. His letters to the Express updating subscribers on breaking Bigfoot news are electrifying. Personally I’ve yet to encounter a feral Bigfoot, but I’ve closely observed the cultivated one in the Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials. He def ...
Dear Diary, I’m coming off a two week stint of Delhi belly, aka, Montezuma’s revenge, la turista and/or back door sprint. Professional healers refer to my affliction as gastroenteritis, a condition characterized by the catastrophic failure of the gastrointestinal system to take care of business. The malady is caused by depraved viruses which are immune to known curative treatments, including chicken sacrifices. The failure of my digestive tract to depose this wretched bug resul ...
My mind's eye asked me what I do in my spare time when I’m not composing quintessential Adirondack pulp fiction. Well, I’m pretty much emulating the late singer/songwriter Warren Zevon who wrote, “I appreciate the best but I’m settling for less, so I’m looking for the next best thing.” I’m your average retired putz who’s happily on the Talking Heads “Road to Nowhere.” Shall we sally forth?
While I no longer contribute anything meaningfu ...
Surfing the gnarly curl from my cryptic quintessential Adirondack thriller, “Belle of Blue Mountain,” I’ve decided to paraphrase selected chapters from my newest fable, “Fulton Chain,” and share them with faithful Expresslandians. Your unadulterated adulation is the only compensation I seek at this time. We’ll talk moola later. Let’s begin with the beginning.
Fulton Chain was orphaned at age twelve. His father Link was an erstwhile Hooter’s Tour ca ...
“Locals love Memorial Day and Independence Day weekends because the summer cha-chinging commences and is unremitting for two arduous months. But if you ask them to be truthful and pick their favorite holiday weekend they’re gonna say Labor Day. That’s when kids go back to school and tourists evaporate. Locals love us when we’re here and they love us when we’re not. In local lingo, TGIFall.” Quote the Masked Pundit evermore.
Dear Masked Pundit, how did y ...
The Adirondacks teem with homegrown characters with character. Every settlement has their share of folk heroes and we love retelling stories about our favorite iconic Adirondackers. Around Inlet and Raquette Lake folks regularly recount tales about larger-than-life icons the likes of Ralph and Eddie Murdock, Bus and Don Bird, Pete Kalil, Frank Lamphear, Denny Dillon, Jack Sherman and Mike Norris to name just a few. One legend I enjoy recounting is about Indian Laker Ernie Blanchard during his ti ...
I believe it’s time we brought back some mislaid Adirondack traditions. Based on the dubious quality of many of the preposterous 2012 Olympic sporting events, such as synchronized trampoline dressage, some of the ole-timey Adirondack traditions I’ve researched can easily qualify as Olympic events. Many of the lost traditions can be traced back to our legendary 19th Century hermits, guides, hunters and trappers. They include feats of strength, stealth and cunning. Being bright was not ...
Disclaimer: The following scam is offered exclusively to Expresslandians and visitors to the area. Parental discretion is advised because conscientious parents should always employ discretion when it comes to their precious little brats. I’m planning a celebrity pre-book signing event for my latest unwritten quintessential Adirondack novel. The pre-book signing will take place on open mic night at Tote’s Tea House on Forge Street in Thendara. I’m hoping that on the night of the ...
I’ve never eaten a trout I didn’t like. I like Salvelinuses more than Oncorhynchuses or Salmos but when fried crispy in bacon grease over a campfire the genus is immaterial. Bacon marks the highpoint in the history of mankind, life’s meaningless without it. Salvelinus, brook trout and lake trout are the only indigenous Adirondack trout. The other trout species have been trucked into Adirondack waters over the past 140 years to entice a broader spectrum of anglers an ...
In 1984 John Mellen-camp wrote a song entitled, “I fight authority, authority always wins.” His archaic video depicts a rebellious young lad defying his parents and teachers. His continued impertinence is met with exacting retribution. I associate much of my life with the Mellencamp song. Anyone acquainted with me will tell you that it’s true, the part about fighting authority and the part about authority always winning. According to the DEC Region 5 Public Affairs Office ...
According to Wikipedia, collateral damage occurs when something incidental to the intended target is damaged during an attack. When used in conjunction with military operations it can refer to the incidental destruction of civilian property and non-combatant casualties. Herein lies the tale of Remus and Romulus, the itinerate Seventh Lake twin stumps. (See One Oar Short 5/29/2012)
Consequent to the One Oar Short column I received a letter from Town of Inlet Councilman Bill Faro on June 6. ...
There are watershed moments in everyone’s life. Like the first time you successfully used the potty, stopped wetting your bed, regurgitated pink cotton candy in a tilt-a-whirl, French kissed a bearded pig and swam at Buck’s Hollow in Seventh Lake. For me the first four were recent milestones but swimming at Buck’s Hollow goes back six decades. I’ve seen many changes at the Buck’s Hollow beach through the years, most of them detrimental due to parentally sanctioned v ...
Boats are considered shes by chauvinistic pig nauticisans because you can’t live with or without them. If Rachael Ray can make up the word EVOO for extra virgin olive oil, I can make up the word nauticisan meaning manly oinking boater. I have a love/hate relationship with boats. Too many of them have owned me. The only sure thing about a boat is that sooner or later she’s gonna break down or break your heart. Just a few days ago our beloved Boston Whaler allowed her venerable Yamaha ...
The Masked Pundit unapologetically contributes to the dumbing-down of America.
Deer Masked Pundit, does you or doesn’t you agree that America as a hole is dumbing-down? Signed, Marcus Absent, Woodgate.
My dear Marcus, in the sagacious words of America’s foremost intellectual Larry the Cable Guy, “Half the people you know are below average.” America’s most recent two-term President once asked, “Is our children learning?” Larry would never use bogus gram ...
You shouldn’t believe this but a national survey company called during supper and asked me who the United States should bomb next.
I replied, “Say again all after should.”
The guy said, “Say what again?”
I told him that’s aviator lingo for repeating the vital portion of a garbled radio communication. He asked if I had flown in military aircraft and I responded, “That’s a Charles.”
He said, ‘What’s a Charles?”
I told him ...
Owning Adirondack waterfront property was once a dream of mine. Alas I’ve never had the wherewithal to pull it off. The cost to purchase and maintain desirable waterfront property remains beyond my means. It’s a cold reality that life’s full of first and second place dreams. Forty years ago I settled for my second place dream, a secluded sanctuary in the woods. My castle in the sky has been infiltrated over time, as other fortunate souls fulfilled their Adirondack fantasi ...
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